So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
