If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
