smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
