He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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