idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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