Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
