Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
