I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
