I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
