WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
