There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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