i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
