3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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