But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
