I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
