Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
