We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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