Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
