I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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