I just pynch a tree in the face
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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