Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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