i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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