Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
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Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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