we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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