I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
