Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
