I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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