My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
