i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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