I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
