By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
