I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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