Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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