do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
