Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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