ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
We got so high we made milksteak
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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