my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
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you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
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Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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