I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
