I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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