Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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