mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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