I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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