Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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