If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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