if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
