The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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