so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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