Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
