I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
