Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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