as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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