eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
