im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
