I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
