just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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