I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
