i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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